Let Life Surprise You

Say it my habit or anything, on year-end I can’t help penning down my feelings. Yeah sometimes expressing those feelings in words is a tough task, especially now, when I am not having anymore the habit to express much.  I am not sure enough if my words would express them to the best or not.

2016 has been a year for me, which was unbelievably surprising….

A person gets surprised when he or she isn’t expecting something to happen. In my case, I knew everything that was supposed to happen. Life did give me chance to plan every situation. But still when your own plans surprises you in a much unexpected manner, you tend to realize how strange life can be.

I presumed I was prepared. My assumptions were so wrong.

My own planned life changed me and I wasn’t me anymore. And when I lost myself, I turned up to become a new me. There was no time to care if the world would like the new girl in me. I just changed. And I knew my life affected me in its strange way. Still I tend to admire that strangely.

The year surely made me realize both the extremely worst and amazingly beautiful side of relationships. They might complicate me, but still they complete me.

“I admit I am weak for you, but you are my strength” I said to myself as we walked on a path that was different for both of us. We both walked together but separately.

I sighed. I can’t stop our life from playing its role. I won’t stop you ever to live your life. But I’ll love you for those moments when you played your best role in my life. And I will love you a lot for those moments, hoping my love lasts forever in your life.

I saw you stood there, waiting for me. I knew I could say so much, I could hug you tight to not let you go. But I noticed my reflection in your eyes. I couldn’t move or utter anything. I kept looking at you.

My love, my lips when smiled with you, it was the best ever. Even as we bid byes, your eyes said they adored my smile.

Life, yes you made me realize, it too can surprise me. Bad or good, surprises are always affecting.

“I hate you. I regret meeting you.” Your temporarily last words hit me hard.

If I happen to shed tears for you, they were the most.

I never wanted us to end, I never wanted this journey of planned surprises to end, and I never wanted this year to come to an end. But I can’t, and I won’t stop anyone or anything. I would await new surprises, because I am falling in love with your way to surprise me. Life!

 

The loss

I did disliked when you said those hurtful words, when you failed to understand me though you were among those who nourished me, nurtured me.

Our bonding faded with time, I preferred staying quiet for I had no right to complaint. Time made me presume, you don’t value me anymore like before.

But the other day just as the realization of losing you struck me, it made my heart weep. I felt weak at my knees to hear you say “goodbye forever”.

You cried, and kept crying while making me accept I should be fine without you, that you have to separate, you will die.

I couldn’t believe my ears, as I just couldn’t bear the thought of life without you and your blessings.

The pain in your voice was clearly audible. Our good memories kept flashing over my eyes, and I knew nothing else mattered to me other than you.

“No, don’t say that or think anything like that. You will be fine” I wanted to assure you. You acted strong yet. You faked a smile. And I hated myself to ever consider you wrong. No faults, no words, nothing made a difference to our love. I am no one to judge you, I considered.

I said the best word to console you, to bring strength to you, to certain your survival; you ended up asking for last promise. My eyes shed tears, my lips quivered as I promised you what you wished. Nevertheless, I felt emotions in me for the first time. I never thought a simple promise could make me weak.

As the call ended finishing our conversation, I went numb. My brain needed time to recollect whatever was said and told. I had to fulfil your wish, I wanted strength.

I wanted to apologise for never being so expressive, letters being torn off, I felt this is the best place to narrate my guilt, for I am not good at sharing. Yes, I would have always the guilt for not giving my best, what you deserved. And to let you know, you might not believe, I never wanted to lose you. For now I wish that wasn’t meant to be goodbye, not so soon. At least if not for me but for others who did valued you, unlike me.