The loss

I did disliked when you said those hurtful words, when you failed to understand me though you were among those who nourished me, nurtured me.

Our bonding faded with time, I preferred staying quiet for I had no right to complaint. Time made me presume, you don’t value me anymore like before.

But the other day just as the realization of losing you struck me, it made my heart weep. I felt weak at my knees to hear you say “goodbye forever”.

You cried, and kept crying while making me accept I should be fine without you, that you have to separate, you will die.

I couldn’t believe my ears, as I just couldn’t bear the thought of life without you and your blessings.

The pain in your voice was clearly audible. Our good memories kept flashing over my eyes, and I knew nothing else mattered to me other than you.

“No, don’t say that or think anything like that. You will be fine” I wanted to assure you. You acted strong yet. You faked a smile. And I hated myself to ever consider you wrong. No faults, no words, nothing made a difference to our love. I am no one to judge you, I considered.

I said the best word to console you, to bring strength to you, to certain your survival; you ended up asking for last promise. My eyes shed tears, my lips quivered as I promised you what you wished. Nevertheless, I felt emotions in me for the first time. I never thought a simple promise could make me weak.

As the call ended finishing our conversation, I went numb. My brain needed time to recollect whatever was said and told. I had to fulfil your wish, I wanted strength.

I wanted to apologise for never being so expressive, letters being torn off, I felt this is the best place to narrate my guilt, for I am not good at sharing. Yes, I would have always the guilt for not giving my best, what you deserved. And to let you know, you might not believe, I never wanted to lose you. For now I wish that wasn’t meant to be goodbye, not so soon. At least if not for me but for others who did valued you, unlike me.

 

 

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