“I am glad I learned again…!”
When everyone was celebrating the last day of the year 2010 and welcoming the New Year with lots of enthusiasm I was here stuck in my office working on some files. I too desperately wanted to join those hula bulla’s parties & enjoy the moment but then I’ve learned from past 2 years to accept that you can’t get whatever you all wish. Life isn’t full of fun for everyone. I knew many people would be sitting alone just like me instead of cherishing that occasion. Not everyone gets everything! Only few are lucky ones and I wasn’t among them for sure. So, it was kind of okay types for me to pass the day and reach home after a tiring schedule. But the fate had planned no good days for me even in the upcoming year… I never imagined the New Year would make me learn the things I never wished to, for the reason I never like to change but destiny never allows you to remain the same.
3rd Jan I got a mail from my bestie. He no more wanted me to be a part of his life. Why? I didn’t know and I couldn’t even dare to ask. Not that I didn’t had the courage to but I knew he won’t tell the reason. As I read his mail I was bewildered. I read again thinking might be I read something wrong. I said to myself “No! This is wrong, it can’t happen even in my wildest dream” however it was the truth, which is always painful. I realised that the person who had always been 1st priority in my life, I was never ever even among his choice… He wanted to me get out of his life and I was bending to do so. I walked out of his life though he was the inspiration of my life. I was totally broken yet I consoled myself that if I had ever have been his good friend he would surely remember me one day.
6th Jan one of my other friends misunderstood me and said that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and consequently same happened on 8th Jan with another friend of mine. Even before we had fights and things used to get fine very soon but this time it was something different. They both actually didn’t want to talk. I doubted if I had ever been a good friend to anyone. I hated myself allot!
The days passed on and my life went on going screwing up. At one side I lost few of my friends and other my mother was about to leave for srilanka. She was going for not just one day or one month but for whole 3 years.
How easily people said to me this is what you always wanted, to stay alone. Somebody asked me “do you love your mom?” I gulped and said “Yes! I do.” It’s not that I don’t, everyone does, but I was horrified to find out that I may be the first child on the whole earth who was asked such sort of question.. I moaned in pain as it was just me who knew what I was going through and the very next moment I found that it wasn’t just mental struck but even my physical pain from the illness I had went few months back had arrived again.
Come’ on Obviously! I do love her just like any other child. I love her to the extent I can’t express. Something’s are meant to be felt and to understand. I agree I never let her hug me, I never slept in her lap, I never let her cure my injuries, and I never shared my sorrows. Rather it was me who always wiped off her tears and that’s what gives me utter satisfaction. It’s just that I know if she would be there than I won’t be able to be strong as she always wished me to be. She has nourished me as a brave girl and I love to be like that. Forever!
Probably she might have done wrong to me many times, she might have ignored my tears when I badly needed her and wished I could get the comfort of motherly affection but I didn’t. She might have even scolded me, shouted at me or slapped me but above of all this she is the one who gave I birth in this world. She does have a right. Nobody is perfect but I love her for the perfect things in her.
I feel guilty when I hate her but I always did for she chooses to be apart from me, not only physically but mentally too.
17th Jan when she called me before boarding her flight a sudden current passed through me making me realise that she is actually leaving. How could she? Doesn’t she ever think how will I manage? How could ever she take such a decision? WHY, WHEN & HOW were the questions which ruined my mind. Sitting at my workplace I realised tears were rolling down my cheeks. Everyone was consoling me but I was simply wondering when I would be able to see her next. What if I die before meeting her? What if she never came back?
I knew these all were crap questions but you never know destiny. Especially in my case it has always been what I always feared for the most. I knew the people who I needed at that moment to make me feel good weren’t either in condition themselves to help me.
At that moment I wish I could run to her and give a tight hug not letting her to go but it was me myself who told her to be strong and now how can I myself be weak. I didn’t let her know I cried but I never thought she would take it as I never needed her, never loved her. “I know you don’t want to meet me. Never mind dear have fun. God bless you!” these were the words she said me lastly on our conversation as I refused to come to her. Well, I wasn’t in the condition to bear the separation again and even my schedule didn’t allow me to go.
I don’t mind living without you but the thought of you being in need of me & yet I can’t be there kills me. But the problem was you never let me to be there by your side and not even destiny allowed me. I wouldn’t have let you go but you never allowed me to stay, indeed even if I stopped you didn’t wanted to stay anymore. I was just left to be happy for the reason you are happy, though without me.
I didn’t actually lose my friends or my mother yet I lost them for what I have loved them for. They had changed a lot and so I did…
I found myself all alone although there were many people around me yet something hurt me a lot. There happened to be a drastic change within me, which I always wanted to occur. I wanted to regain the strength to keep moving on in life and I got that!
My heart did ached but eyes weren’t wet. I was numb but lips continuously smiled. My body wanted to rest in peace but I worked day & night. I had recovered the capacity of accepting any sore truth of life. I was glad I learned it again…. No complaints & and no expectations that what makes one’s life better!!
The one who loved me I loved them, and those who didn’t, I loved them too for the reason I had always loved them and I will keep loving…